Celebrating: 10 Years & Being "Fog Free"

Friday was mine and Brian's 10th anniversary.  I can't believe its been 10 years!!  In some ways it feels so much shorter... in some ways, so much longer.  :-)

Because I have had some very honest talks with him regarding my expectations of certain holidays and events, and how I want & need to be treated on those occasions, he was especially mindful to make this anniversary celebration particularly special.  It has been important to my recovery to share these things with him.  Otherwise I am setting myself up for disappointment and hurt.  So, Brian hit it out of the park this time.  Almost literally  :-)

We began the day together because he took the entire day off from work.  We had a nice morning, and then packed up our stuff and the kids' stuff.  We dropped off the kids stuff at his moms house and ensured she was still ok to pick them up from school.  Then we set off on our anniversary stay-cation.  He drove us into downtown Phoenix where we arrived at our hotel... the Westin Phoenix Downtown.  I have never stayed in a 4 star hotel before.  It was AMAZING.  Our room... a corner suite in all its 743sq ft wonderfulness was an oasis for us to escape to.

 I was a little hungry since we had not had anything since breakfast... but I didn't want to eat too much because I knew we had plans to go to the baseball game later, and I knew I wanted to be able to eat and enjoy dinner there.  So, we ordered up a cheese plate from room service.  It was perfect.  Just the right amount of food to take the edge off, and delectably delicious!!  Honestly, I have never had bleu cheese THAT creamy!!  After, we hung out in the room and simply admired the view out the floor to ceiling glass wall that offered a stunning view of downtown.

Pretty soon it was time to leave for the Diamondbacks game.  We went downstairs, crossed the street and caught the light rail to the ballpark.  It was both mine and Brian's first time riding the light rail.  It was fun!

When we got to the stadium we went to the TeamShop.  I was disappointed that I couldn't find anything that would fit me.  I promised myself that when we come back again for the 2014 season I would be able to pick out one of the cute ladies t-shirts.  I know its not healthy to my recovery to make such promises.  My recovery is one day at a time and my weight loss will happen in God's time.  But it made me feel better in that moment to say the words, so I did.

We got some sodas (mine was diet, of course) and headed to our seats.  I cant really explain what happened next.  When we sat down in our seats I was pretty comfortable.  It was a tight fit, but I was excited to note that 60lbs ago I would not have been able to manage the seat at all.  The ballpark started to fill up, and pretty soon our row was mostly full.  I had a guy sitting next to me, and Brian had an empty seat next to him.  After we stood up for the national anthem, I asked Brian to move over one, so I could have the empty seat next to me, instead.  I went to sit down and suddenly I didn't fit anymore.  I can't explain it, I just know it hurt.  The arms on the seat were digging in to my sides and I have the bruises today to prove it.  We waited through an inning or so and decided we were hungry.  We went and got dinner, and when we came back we grabbed an empty seat on the end instead of going back to the seats we were assigned.  The end seat that we grabbed is handicapped accessible, so didn't have an arm on the outside.  I was able to sit comfortably here and totally enjoyed the rest of the game.  I had made the decision in a very conscious and mindful manner to allow myself to have some sort of treat after dinner.  I had seen the caramel apples that the ballpark sells when we came in and decided that was the treat I wanted.  Brian went and got it, and when I saw how HUGE the thing was I asked him if he would share it with me.  I had three of the pieces.  It was rich and yummy and totally satisfying.  I didn't compulsively overeat even with faced with sugar... I was feeling pretty good about myself despite the TeamShop and seat issues which highlighted the fact that I am still oh-so-very overweight.  The second half of the game was really exiting and we were pretty happy when the Diamondbacks won.  The Friday night games close with fireworks and as I watched them with my love, I decided that they were for us.  10 years is nothing to sneeze at, and we have totally rocked those 10 years!

We caught the light rail back to the hotel where the most heavenly soaking tub was waiting for me.  It was calling my name.  I settled in with a book on my iPad and a glass of wine.  We turned off the lights and the stunning view was my only distraction.  Brian took advantage of the tub the next morning.  Seriously, someday I will have a house with that tub.  I'm going to make it my mission!! :-)

We slept in till 9:30 the next morning.  Waking up to that stunning view was amazing.  We went down to breakfast that morning to the restaurant that is downstairs.  They have a weekend brunch menu and so Brian and I both ordered the short rib hash with poached egg and chimichurri hollandaise sauce.  It was stunningly good.

And also, WAY too much food.  I couldn't finish it, but was fine with that as I was so very satisfied.  

It was over breakfast, as we were reflecting the on the time we had spent that I had an epiphany.  I mentioned to Brian that I couldn't recall ever having had a nicer time... even when we spent our 7 year anniversary in San Diego.  And thats when it hit me.  This was the first time I have ever spent any vacation time without the "food fog".  I knew that one of the miracles of abstinence from compulsive overeating was the fact that in time, the fog lifts.  I knew that I had already experienced that to some degree.  But in that moment in that restaurant I had a clarity that was so stunning to me.  I realized that anytime we had ever done something like this vacation, I had always - constantly - had food on the brain.  I was always thinking about where we were going to eat next and what I was going to have... I remember being in SanDiego, laying on the beach and instead of totally and completely enjoying that moment I was worrying about where were going to have our next meal.  Vacations had always been a series of going from one food experience to the next.  The last time we had been to a ball game, I didn't remember the game... what I remember was eating my way through it.  Instead of one meal I had three... and just as many desserts after that.  I didn't fully experience and enjoy things like the roof opening in the ballpark... the way the light changed on the field and the way the air moved differently after the park was opened up.  I didn't notice the way the pitcher stood and the concentration of his next move.  I didn't catch the excitement of a really good play because all my focus was on the food.  The disease was completely and totally my master and I was nothing but a slave to the food.  I am so relieved that the bonds have been loosened.  Its a daily struggle to make sure that they stay that way.  But with God as my guide... my higher power... I know that I can not fail.  He will keep me safe and show me the way.  One day at a time.  

I can't wait until next month.  I can't wait to go on vacation to Disneyland and to visit family in California.  I now know that i am going to experience that vacation like nothing ever before.  I know that I will see the beauty and wonder of my children's faces and truly feel my husbands hand in mine as we take in Disney, the beach and a national park.  All of my senses have been awakened.  The fog has been lifted and I can truly see.... What an amazing life we are living!

More Than A D-Mom

"A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, 

but a woman of strength knows it is in the journey where she will become strong."

-Unknown

2008 was an interesting year.  My husband and I had been married for five years.  We were still fairly new to parenting as the twins were just two years old.  We bought our first home in the spring of that year.  Little Diva broke her leg chasing Little man around the house, so we dealt with our first (and hopefully last!!) broken bone.  We were a very normal, very settled American family.  I was happy as a mother & wife.  I worked as an administrative assistant at a software company and had a few hobbies that I enjoyed: cake decorating, scrapbooking & general crafting.
Over the summer as we settled into our new home I noticed that Little Man was drinking a lot of water.  He was thirsty ALL the time.  He was also urinating A LOT.  He would blow out an overnight diaper most every night.  On November 11, 2008 I made a Dr's appointment to have these concerns addressed.  Our lives were forever changed that day when Little Man was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.  On that day, he gained the title of "Child With Diabetes" and I gained the title of "D-Mom".  Diabetes is a 7 days a week, 24 hours a day job.  It never sleeps, and as a D-Parent, neither do you.  Constant vigilance is required to keep your child alive.  Your life becomes a series of numbers: Blood glucose readings, carb counts, units of insulin, ratios, basal rates, sensitivity factors and A1C results.  A toddler with diabetes is even harder as they  are unable to articulate what they are feeling... highs and lows become educated guess work on your part.  And the entire time you constantly question if you are doing things right.... if the care you are giving is good enough... if YOU are good enough.
Before diabetes came crashing through our door I was so much more... I was a wife and mom.  I was also co-provider for our family.  I was artistic and vibrant.  I was enjoying exploring motherhood and what made me tick as a mom.  I'm not claiming life was perfect... far from it.  We had challenges, but they were the challenges that you find in most households, I think:  We had some financial stress... and my weight and my own health have been a constant battle for years.  Before that day in November I focused quite a bit of attention on myself.  I made an effort to lose weight, eat right, and get fit.  I cared about myself.  In the years after diagnosis I lost that.
Since November of 2008 I gained 100lbs.  Compulsive overeating was out of control.  I would consistently use food to temper the emotions that diabetes inflicted.  Compulsive overeating has been a part of my life for years and years but this was the first time that I didn't even make an attempt at controlling it.  When I would try, I would do so knowing I was going to fail before I even started.  In January of this year I made the decision to get my life back.  Diabetes is in our lives.  Until a cure is found, that is not going to change. I feel as though I have been swimming in the deep end of the pool since that November in 2008, just treading water... hoping to keep my head above the water and not drown.  I have gone under a few times, but have always managed to come back up for air.  Well, at the beginning of this year I started swimming instead of just treading water.  And while I am still very much in the pool, I think I have found shallower waters.  I can stand on my own two feet again.  I have come to learn a lot about food addiction and compulsive overeating through Overeaters Anonymous.  I am working the 12 steps that so many addicts before me have found peace and healing through.  I am down 60lbs and I am beginning to incorporate exercise back into my life.  I have come out of the fog and I can clearly see again the AMAZING family I have.  My incredibly loving and endlessly patient husband.  My two beautiful kids who are now six years old.  A gift that diabetes has given me is that it took me out of the work place and allowed me to become a stay-at-home mom.  It is a testimony to my recovery that I can recognize that Diabetes gave me that gift... that can can call ANYTHING from that horrid disease a GIFT.   Another gift from Diabetes: The DOC (Diabetes Online Community).  I have found kindred spirits in other D-Moms.  They are the only ones that can truly and totally GET ME.  I treasure these friendships!
This is not my first blog... I used to have an entirely Diabetes centered blog. I have missed blogging, but I made the decision to re-enter the blogging world with a blog that is a more about me and my family and less about Diabetes.  That is not to say that I won't write about Diabetes now and then.  I certainly will because it is a part of our lives.
I tell Little Man all the time that Diabetes does not define him.  I finally took that advice, too.  It will not define me any more either.

YES! I AM so much more than D-Mom.  I am MOM... WIFE... WOMAN!  A domestic diva who is beautiful, STRONG, resilient.  My journey is a work in progress... but for the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to every step.

 

"More Than A D-Mom" is a blog series that was inspired by one of those kindred spirits I was talking about.  Hallie came up with the idea and invited me, Meri, Lora, Wendy, Tracy and several others to participate.  Tomorrow Misty will share with you what makes her more than a D-Mom.  Enjoy!  :-)